Anybody got a Joke put here

[Doza]

All Work And No Play Inhibits Your Modmeter

Thought we could lighten the load with an occassional joke
heres some thoughts


Do you ever wonder?


- If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
- Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?
- If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
- If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
- When someone asks you, A penny for your thoughts, and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? Or do you get change?
- Why is the man (or woman) who invests all your money called a broker?
- Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
- Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person drives a race car not called a racist?
- Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
- Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
- Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
- If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
________________
Just wondering... :-Doza

[swampsucka247]

man, i can relate to that last part about working in a drycleaners.....

[dragnandy]

onety one?lol

[swampsucka247]

here's one

There was a woman on the beach without any arms or legs, and crying. A man came along and asked her what the matter was. She tells him that she has not been hugged before, so he picks her up and hugs her.

The next day she is still there crying, the same man comes along and asks her what the matter is. She tells him that she has not been kissed before, so he picks her up and kisses her.

The next day she's still there crying, and same man comes along again. He asks her sternly what the matter is and she tells him that she has not been screwed before. So the man picks her up, walks to the end of the pier, and throws her in the sea and says: "Now you're screwed." :lol:

[dragnandy]

lol

[swampsucka247]

A lecturer teaching medicine was giving a classoom observation. He took out a jar of yellow liquid. "This," he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant of color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying so, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched in amazement, most in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped their finger into the jar and put it into their mouths.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my second finger into the jar and my third finger into my mouth."

[swampsucka247]

not a joke but a quote I liked

I hope you leave here and walk out and say, 'What did he say?'
--George w. Bush

Beaverton, OR
08/13/2004

[swampsucka247]

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: "OK, now what?"

[fldodger]

Those are very good swampsucka247

[tkalli]

A blonde, out of money and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom.

She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde."

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"

[swampsucka247]

:roflmao: good one

[Rotary Parts]

thats funny mr.t good one!!

[swampsucka247]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone

Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 25 years with only suitably shaped holes in trees for sex.

Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure.

One day, deep in the wilds, she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting himself into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for awhile.

Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion, Jane came out in to the open and offered herself to him.

As she reclined on the wild grass, Tarzan became aroused. He quickly ran over and kicked her in the crotch really hard.

In pain, she screamed, "What the hell did you do that for?".

Tarzan replied, "Tarzan always check for squirrels first."

[fldodger]

You guys got some good ones

[tkalli]

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.
.
The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."
.
The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.
.
She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then."
So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer,
I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

:roll: :roll:

[ZeroKnightXZ]

They worlds are mixing, we should start mixing now! Mix a girl from the Pillipines with a guy from Holland, we could have little Hollapinos. Mix a guy from Cuba, girl from Iceland, we could have little Icecubes. Greek and a French person; freak.
-Russell Peters

[swampsucka247]

A certain zoo had acquired a very rare species of gorilla. Within a few weeks, the female gorilla became very ornery, and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there were no male gorilla species available.

While reflecting on their problem, the zoo administrators noticed Mike, an employee responsible for cleaning the animals cages. Mike, it was rumored, possessed ample ability to satisfy any female, but he wasn't very bright.

So, the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution. Mike was approached with a proposition: "Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for five hundred bucks?" Mike showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.

The following day, Mike announced that he would accept their offer, but only under three conditions. "First," he said, "I don't want to have to kiss her. Secondly, I want nothing to do with any offspring that may result from this union."

The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what was his third condition.

"Well," said Mike, "you've gotta give me another week to come up with the five hundred bucks."

[ZeroKnightXZ]

Lol, nice one Swampsucka!

[swampsucka247]

ty ty :beer:

[swampsucka247]

I Hate Politics - but i really like this

The Chimp-o-matic: W's Stupidity Delivered to Your Desktop Here (http://chimpomatic.net/) - enjoy!

http://www.chimpomatic.net/icon_W.gif

[swampsucka247]

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"

"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck."

[clarkey]

ROFL hahahha that's great

[swampsucka247]

One day a man went into a restaurant and ordered a bowl of soup. The waitress brought his order out to him on a tray with her middle finger immersed in the middle of his soup bowl.

"What the hell's the idea of putting your finger in my soup bowl?" the man bellowed at the waitress.

"My doctor said the best thing for my rheumatism was to keep my finger pressed in a warm damp place," the waitress informed him.

"Oh yeah," the man shouted, "then why don't you take that finger of yours and shove it up your fat @???"

"I'm sorry sir the waitress replied, but I already tried that before I brought your soup out."

[swampsucka247]

Improve at work
How to improve at work

Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%?

We have all been to those meetings where someone wants over 100%.

How about achieving 103%? Here?s a little math that might prove helpful.

What makes life 100%?

If

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26.

Then,

H A R D W O R K

8 1 18 4 23 15 18 11 = 98%


K N O W L E D G E

11 14 15 23 12 5 4 7 5 = 96%

But,

A T T I T U D E

1 20 20 9 20 21 4 5 = 100%

And,

B U L L S H I T

2 21 12 12 19 8 9 20 = 103%

So, it stands to reason that hardwork and knowledge will get you close, attitude will get you there, but bullshit will put you over the top.

And look how far this will take you......


A S S K I S S I N G

1 19 19 11 9 19 19 9 14 7 = 118%

Think about it...and have a nice day at work![/b][/b]

[swampsucka247]

A new supermarket opened near my house. It has an
automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it
goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the
smell of fresh rain.

When you approach the milk cases, you hear cows mooing
and experience the scent of fresh hay.

When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck
and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma
of bacon and eggs frying.

The veggie department features the smell of fresh
buttered corn.

I don't buy toilet paper there any more.

[swampsucka247]

This is a real job application submitted to a McDonald's in Florida. He was hired for his sense of humor, and honesty.


NAME: Greg Bulmash.

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

SALARY: Less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m., Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job no, on my breaks yes.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Aries.

[araeff]

this is good swamp, hahaha :exite:

[fldodger]

That is good. :D

[MstrSteve]

A man goes to a plastic surgeon to see what can be done for him. See, he's embarrassed by the size of his manhood. So, obligingly, the doctor after seeing what the man had, proceeded to show him various implants that would help his situation. WIth every one the doc shows him, he squints, shakes his head and says:
"Uhhh, ya got anything bigger?"

Finally, the doctor has run out of implants and says:

"Look, the only other thing we can do is there is a new proceedure in which we attach a baby elephant's trunk on in replacement of what you have now."

"Great!" Says the man. "Do it!"

Six months later the man, through with all the post -op visits back to the doctor's takes the woman he's currently dating out to a fancy dinner in the hopes of trying out his new appendage.
They sit down and are looking at the menu when the waiter brings a basket of dinner rolls and sets it on the table. No sooner than he's walked away, the baby elephant's trunk reaches into the basket, grabs a roll and disappears under the table again as quickly as it had appeared.

With a shocked look on her face, the woman says:

"Could you do that again?"

The man replies:

"I guess I could.... but I don't know if my butt can take another one of those rolls."

[swampsucka247]

didn't expect him to say that at the end... lol that's pretty funny MstrSteve!

[swampsucka247]

Two couples were playing cards. Jeff accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Dave?s wife, Sandy, was not wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, Jeff hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced. Later when Jeff went to the kitchen to get some refreshments Sandy followed him and asked, "Did you see anything under the table that you liked?"

Jeff admitted, "Well, yes I did."

She said "you can have it, but it will cost you $100."

After a minute or two, Jeff indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Dave works Friday afternoons and Jeff doesn?t, that Jeff should come to their house around 2:00 PM on Friday. Friday came and Jeff went to her house at 2:00 PM. After paying her the $100, they went to the bedroom, had sex for a few hours and then Jeff left. Dave came home about 6:00 PM and asked his wife, "Did Jeff come by this afternoon?"

Totally shocked, Sandy replied, "Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes."

Next Dave asked, "Did Jeff give you $100?"

Sandy thought, ?Oh hell, he knows!? Reluctantly she said, "Yes, he did give me $100."

"Good," Dave says.

"Jeff came by the office this morning and borrowed the $100 from me and said that he?d stop by our house on his way home and pay me back. It?s so good to have a friend you can trust."

[swampsucka247]

On their way to a justice of the peace to get married, a couple has a fatal car accident. The couple is sitting outside heavens gate waiting on St. Peter to do the paperwork so they can enter. While waiting, they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him. St. Peter says, "I don't know, this is the first time anyone has ever asked. Let me go find out," and he leaves.

The couple sit for a couple of months and begin to wonder if they really should get married in Heaven, what with the eternal aspect of it all. "What if it doesn't work out?" they wonder, "Are we stuck together forever?" St. Peter returns after yet another month, looking somewhat bedraggled. "Yes," he informs the couple, "you can get married in Heaven." "Great," says the couple, "but what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?"

St. Peter, red-faced, slams his clipboard onto the ground. "What's wrong?" exclaims the frightened couple. "Geez!" St. Peter exclaims, "It took me three months to find a priest up here! Do you have any idea how long it's going to take for me to find a lawyer?"

[araeff]

lmao, swamp, great jokes.... :roflmao:

[araeff]

A couple from me...

Girls night out
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something. The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties." "That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all of us at the Fire Station, Well never forget you!'

[swampsucka247]

omg :mrgreen:

[swampsucka247]

Fart

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked

beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it was apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself "She?ll never go for me carrying on like that," so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans, and shortly after that they got married.

A few months later, on the way home from work, his car broke down and since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her he would be late because he had to walk. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had three extra large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he "putt-putted". He "putted", down one hill and "putted up" the next. By the time he arrived
home he felt reasonably safe.

His wife met him at the door and seemed somewhat excited. She exclaimed, "Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for you for dinner tonight" She put a blindfold on him, and led him to his chair at the head of the table and made him promise not to peek. At this point he was beginning to feel another one coming on. Just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She again made him promise not to peek until she returned, and she went
to answer the phone.

While she was gone, he seized the opportunity. He shifted his weight to one leg and let go. It was not only loud, but ripe as a rotten egg. He had a hard time breathing so he felt for his napkin and fanned the air about him. He had just started to feel better, when another urge came on. He raised his leg and "rrriiiiippp!" It sounded like a diesel engine revving, and smelled worse. To keep from gagging, he tried fanning his arms a while, hoping the smell would dissipate. Things had just about returned to normal when he felt another urge coming. He shifted his weight to his other leg and let go. This was a real blue ribbon winner; the windows rattled, the dishes on the table shook and a minute later the flowers on the table were dead. While keeping an ear tuned in on the conversation in the hallway, and keeping his promise of staying blindfolded, he carried on like this for the next ten minutes farting and fanning them each time with his napkin.

When he heard the "phone farewells" (indicating the end of his loneliness, and freedom) he neatly laid his napkin on his lap and folded his hands on top of it. Smiling contentedly, he was the picture of innocence when his wife walked in. Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peaked at the dinner. After assuring her he had not, she removed the blindfold and yelled

"Surprise!!"

To his shock & terror, there were twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party.

[araeff]

and this one...

Birthday Present
A wife decides to take her husband to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.
"Oh, no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies' Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her. He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it. She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real bitch tonight, Dave."

[swampsucka247]

lol - he ain't talking his way out of that one

[swampsucka247]

The local United Way office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The volunteer in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. "Our research shows that out of a yearly income of more than $600,000 you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?" Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... No."

"Second, that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheel chair?" The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was cut off.

"Third, that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!" The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea ..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "... And I don't give any money to them, so why should I give any to you?!?"

[swampsucka247]

hope y'all like these

[araeff]

Great stuff... keep em coming....

[araeff]

Chicken joke...

On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together.

One day, the two were playing when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help!

Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z3 series BMW.

Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the horse!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned.

The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life!

The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thingie" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[swampsucka247]

haven't heard that one either - :lol:

[swampsucka247]

Beer Quotes by Notables ...

Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed.Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn?t drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, "It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Babe Ruth

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Paul Hornung

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.
-- H.L. Mencken

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let?s all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- George Bernard Shaw

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry

To some it?s a six-pack, to me it?s a "support group." Salvation in a can!
-- Leo Durocher

One night at Cheers, Cliff Clavin explained the "Buffalo Theory" to his buddy, Norm. "Well ya see, Norm, it?s like this. A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That?s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.

:beer:

[swampsucka247]

Dictionary


WOMEN?S ENGLISH:
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need = I want
5. I am sorry = you?ll be sorry
6. We need to talk = You?re in trouble
7. Sure, go ahead = You better not
8. Do what you want = You will pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. You?re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

---

MEN?S ENGLISH:
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let?s have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. May I have this dance? = I?d like to have sex with you
8. Can I call you sometime? = I?d like to have sex with you
9. Do you want to go to a movie? = I?d like to have sex with you
10. Can I take you out to dinner? = I?d like to have sex with you
11. I don?t think those shoes go with that outfit = I?m gay

__________________________________________________ _________


Not such a good idea

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem...

In response the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate try startling yourself". That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion out he runs home to his wife.

At home his wife is in bed, naked and waiting on her husband. As the two begin, they find themselves in the ?69? position. The man, moments later, feels the sudden urge to come and fires the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?". The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[swampsucka247]

A man is sitting on his front stoop staring morosely at the ground when his neighbor strolls over. The neighbor tries to start a conversation several times, but the older man barely responds. Finally, the neighbor asks what the problem is.

"Well," the man says, "I ran afoul of one of those questions women ask. Now I?m in the doghouse."

"What kind of question?" the neighbor asks.

"My wife asked me if I would still love her when she was old, fat and ugly."

"That?s easy," says the neighbor. "You just say, ?Of course I will?".

"Yeah," says the other man, "that?s what I MEANT to say. But what came
OUT was, ?Of course I do.?"

[fldodger]

:roflmao:

[swampsucka247]

i didn't know if anyone was reading these :up:

[araeff]

EVER WONDER...

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why you don't ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why "abbreviated" is such a long word?

Why doctors call what they do "practice"?

Why you have to click on "Start" to stop Windows 98?

Why lemon juice is made with artificial flavor, while dishwashing liquid is made with real lemons?

Why the man who invests all your money is called a broker?

Why there isn't mouse-flavored cat food? who tastes dog food when it has a "new & improved" flavor?

Why they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

Why they don't make the whole plane out of the material used for the indestructible black box ?

Why sheep don't shrink when it rains?

Why they are called apartments when they are all stuck together? if con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

Why they call the airport "the terminal" if flying is so safe?

[araeff]

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Women (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a brother. (You remind me of that inbred banjo-playing geek in "Deliverance.")
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You are one jurassic geezer.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You are the ugliest
dork I've ever laid eyes upon.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (I don't want you spending the whole night or else you may hear phone calls from all the other guys I'm seeing.)
6. I've got a boyfriend (who's really my male cat and a half gallon of Ben and Jerry's).
5. I don't date men where I work. (Hey, bud, I wouldn't even date you if you were in the same 'solar system', much less the same building.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (It's not me, it's you.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (Even something as boring
and unfulfilling as my job is better than dating you.)
2. I'm celibate. (I've sworn off only the men like you.)
1. Let's be friends. (I want you to stay around so I can tell you in excruciating detail about all the other men I meet and have sex with. It's that male perspective thing)

Top 10 Rejection Lines Given By Men (and what they actually mean...)

10. I think of you as a sister. (You're ugly.)
9. There's a slight difference in our ages. (You're ugly.)
8. I'm not attracted to you in 'that' way. (You're ugly.)
7. My life is too complicated right now. (You're ugly.)
6. I've got a girlfriend. (You're ugly.)
5. I don't date women where I work. (You're ugly.)
4. It's not you, it's me. (You're ugly.)
3. I'm concentrating on my career. (You're ugly.)
2. I'm celibate. (You're ugly.)
1. Let's be friends. (You're sinfully ugly.)

[fldodger]

i didn't know if anyone was reading these :up:

everyone I read.

[MstrSteve]

I read 'em all too.... we got some good ones here.

[swampsucka247]

right on

[swampsucka247]

Quotes of the Day

Communism is like one big phone company.
- Lenny Bruce

What we call 'Progress' is the exchange of one nuisance for another nuisance.
- Havelock Ellis

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.
- George Carlin

8)

[swampsucka247]

Nerds in season
A truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying: "NERDS NOT ALLOWED -- ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK"

He goes in and sits down. The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says he smells kind of nerdy, and asks him what he does for a living.

The truck driver says he drives a truck, and the smell is just from the computers he is hauling. The bartender says "OK, truck drivers are not nerds", and serves him a beer.

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils stashed in his pocket protector, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender said not to worry, "The nerds are overpopulating the Silicon Valley, and are in season now. You don?t even need a license", he said.

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants, and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can?t let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly.

A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver says, "What?s wrong? I thought nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," said the patrolman, "But you can?t bait?em."

[swampsucka247]

A Crappy Date (A True Story)


Cross my heart this happened to someone. This guy lives in Westchester, NY and goes to school at Ithaca College. For two years, he has wanted to ask a certain girl (who is also from Westchester and also goes to Ithaca) out on a date, but has never had the courage.
Finally, one day over the summer, he sees her at home and musters up the courage to ask her out. She accepts, and they make dinner plans for Saturday night.

Friday night, this guy goes out with all of his buddies, and drinks like Prohibition is coming back.

Saturday, he is in such bad shape that he can?t make it through twenty minutes without either throwing up or using the bathroom. After several hours of this, he is able to stop throwing up, but he is still running to the toilet every 20 minutes. He doesn?t want to cancel the date, because he?s afraid he won?t ever talk to her again.

So they meet in Westchester, and take the train to New York City (about a 30 minute ride). They get to the restaurant, and he excuses himself during the appetizers to use the bathroom. They enjoy the rest of the appetizers without interruption, but he has to go back again during the entrees.

They decide to get dessert. During dessert, our hero feels another rumbling, but doesn?t want to look like a complete bathroom freak, so he holds it. After a few minutes, the rumbling subsides, but he still has a bit of gas stored up.

He decides to let this little bit of gas fly right there at the table (discreetly, of course). Unfortunately, this little bit of gas came with another little surprise. "Oh crap," he thinks (and feels). Instead of running to the bathroom right away, our hero immediately leans on the arms of his chair to keep from sitting on this surprise. He maintains this yoga position for the rest of dessert, trying to figure out what to do before his tan pants (a) start to smell, or (b) start to show stains on the outside. He quickly pays for dinner and they leave the restaurant. Oh, by the way, he is walking like a cowboy.

On the way to the train station, they pass the Gap.

Do you mind if I run in and buy a sweater that I was looking at last week?" he asks.

"No problem, I?d like to look around too," she replies. They go into the Gap. Fortunately, at the Gap, men?s fashions are on the right, women?s fashions are on the left. They split up.

Our hero grabs the first sweater within reach, and hurries back to the khakis. After selecting a pair that most closely resemble his current outfit, he brings both items to the register. His eyes are on his date (still on the other side of the store) to make sure that she doesn?t see him buying the pants. He doesn?t even want the sweater, so he says through clenched teeth (just in case his date can read lips from 40 feet away) "Just the pants." "What?" asks the Gap girl.

"Just the pants!" (Eyes still trained on his date.) Gap girl: "Oh, OK."

He pays for the pants and walks over to his date; then they leave the store. They board the train just before it leaves the station and find two seats in the middle of the car. Without sitting down, our hero excuses himself and walks to the bathroom in the back of the car. He gets to the bathroom as the train departs, and quickly rips off his pants and boxer shorts. He rolls them into a ball and throws them out the window. After cleaning himself off, he opens the Gap bag and pulls out...just the sweater.

[swampsucka247]

Doctor?s Office
There?s nothing worse than a snotty doctor?s receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you, in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this guy handled it.

A 61 year old man walked into a crowded doctor?s office. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said,
- "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?"

- "There?s something wrong with my dick," he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said,

- "You shouldn?t come into a crowded office and say things like that."

- "Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.

The receptionist replied,
- "You?ve obviously caused some embarrassment in this roomful of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied,
- "Well you shouldn?t ask people things in a room full of others if the answer could embarrass anyone."

The man walked out, waited several minutes and then reentered. The receptionist smiled smugly and asked,
- "Yes?"

- "There?s something wrong with my ear," he stated.

The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.

- "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

- "I can?t piss out of it," the man replied.

The doctor?s office erupted in laughter. :shock:

[araeff]

:roflmao: :roflmao: :roflmao: :up: :up: I like Date Joke!!! Hahaha..

[swampsucka247]

that one's my fav so far

[swampsucka247]

Little Johnnie sees his Daddy?s car passing the playground and go into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Johnnie finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly about what he saw: "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy?s car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane layed down on the seat, then Daddy..."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnnie, this is such an interesting story. Suppose you save the rest of it for suppertime. I want to see the look on Daddy?s face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnnie to tell his story, so Johnnie starts his story, describing the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and...

"...then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

[fldodger]

:roflmao:
Kids you got to love them. They tell it like it is.

[swampsucka247]

The Frog
A woman went into a store to buy her husband a pet for his birthday. After looking around, she found that all the pets were very expensive. She told the clerk she wanted to buy a pet, but she didn?t want to
spend a fortune.

- "Well," said the clerk, "I have a very large bullfrog. They say it?s been trained to do blowjobs."

- "Blowjobs?", the woman replied.

- "It hasn?t been proven, but we?ve sold 30 of them this month," he said.

The woman thought it would be a great gag gift and what if it?s true? No more blowjobs for her!
She bought the frog.

When she explained froggy?s ability to her husband, he was extremely sceptical and laughed it off. The woman went to bed happy, thinking she may never need to perform this less than riveting act again.

In the middle of the night, she was awakened by the noise of pots and pans flying everywhere, making hellacious banging and crashing sounds. She ran downstairs to the kitchen, only to find her husband and the Frog reading cookbooks.

- "What are you two doing at this hour?" she asked.

The husband replied, "If I can teach this frog to cook, your butt is outta here."

[Dmatthew]

LMAO!!!!!

HAHAHAHAHAA Cool frog uh..

[swampsucka247]

Recognizing George
A man died in a horrible fire. The mortician thought it was George, but the body was so badly burned that somebody would need to make a positive identification. That task fell to George?s two friends, Joe and Al.

Joe: "He?s burnt pretty bad, all right. Roll him over." Joe looked at the dead man?s buttocks and said, "Nope, that ain?t George."

Thinking the incident strange, the mortician straightened up the body and said nothing. He brought in Al.

Al: "Wow, he?s burnt to a crisp. Roll him over." Again, "Nope, that ain?t George."

Mortician: "How can you tell?"

Al: "George had two assholes."

Mortician: "What? How could he have two assholes?"

Al: "Everybody knew George had two assholes. Whenever the three of us would go into town you?d hear people say, "Here comes George with those two assholes!"

[swampsucka247]

There was a little boy named Johnny who used to hang out at the local corner market. The owner didn't know what Johnny's problem was, but the boys would constantly tease him. They would always comment that he was two bricks shy of a load, or two pickles short of a barrel. To prove it, sometimes they would offer Johnny his choice between a nickel (5 cents) and a dime (10 cents) and John would always take the nickel ... they said, because it was bigger.

One day after Little Johnny grabbed the nickel, the store owner took him aside and said "Johnny, those boys are making fun of you. They think you don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel. Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or what?"

Slowly, Little Johnny turned toward the store owner and a big grin appeared on his face and he said, "Well, if I took the dime, they'd stop doing it, and so far I have saved $20!"

[araeff]

The Happy Hangover

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas Party. Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose! Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. Then he notices a note hanging on the corner of the mirror written in red with little hearts on it and a kiss mark from his wife in lipstick: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to get groceries to make your favorite dinner tonight. I love you, darling! Love, Jillian"

He stumbles into the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast, steaming hot coffee, and the morning newspaper all waiting for him. His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son... what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 in the morning, drunk and out of your mind. You fell over the coffee table and broke it, and then you puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

Confused, he asked his son, "So, why is everything in such perfect order and so clean? I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Well, Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,'Leave me alone, I'm married!'"

[araeff]

Give and Take

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I?m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most?your boss."

The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss? bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss? house.

Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."

The man says, "Well, I?ve always wanted to donate a kidney."

[araeff]

The Guiding Voice

A guy gets home from work one night and hears a voice in his head, which tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

The man is disturbed at what he hears and ignores the voice.

But the next day, the same thing happens: The voice tells him, "Quit your job, sell your house, take your money, go to Vegas."

Again the man ignores the voice, but he?s becoming increasingly upset, and the third time he hears the voice, he succumbs to the pressure. He quits his job, sells his house, takes his money, and heads to Las Vegas.

The moment the man gets off the plane in Vegas, the voice tells him, "Go to Harrah?s."

He hops in a cab and rushes over to the casino, where the voice tells him, "Go to the roulette table." The man does as he is told. When he gets to the roulette table, the voice tells him, "Put all your money on 17."

Nervously, the man cashes in all his money for chips and then puts them on 17.

"Now watch," says the voice.

The dealer wishes the man good luck and spins the roulette wheel.

Around and around the ball caroms. The man anxiously watches the ball as it slowly loses speed until finally it settles into number . . . 21.

The voice says, "Shit..."

[swampsucka247]

Happy Hangover http://swampsucka.kwikphp.com/phpBB/images/smiles/023.gif

[alexyabetz]

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, she takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and asks to file a sexual harassment grievance against him. The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you, your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[araeff]

hahaha :roflmao: :up: :up:

[fldodger]

That is funny.

[alexyabetz]

One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book. Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says,

"Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?")

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

[alexyabetz]

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, ?You?re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.?

?You bastard!? yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.

?You?re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,? says the judge.

?Bastard!? the same person yells.

The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.?Sir, one more outburst and I?ll charge you with contempt.?

?I?m sorry, Your Honor,? says the man. ?But I?ve been this bastard?s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn?t have one.?

[alexyabetz]

A man died and went to straight down to hell. The devil greeted him and gave him a guided tour of the place. He told the man that there were three rooms he could chose from in which to spend eternity.

The first room was full of flames so hot the man couldn't even breathe. He told the devil that there was no way he was choosing that room. So they moved on.

The next room they came to was full of people who were being beaten and tortured. It looked so painful the man could not watch. He told the devil he definitely didn't want that room, and they moved on.

The last room they came to was full of people who were just sitting around drinking coffee and relaxing. The only thing was that they were standing around in about two feet of poop. The man looked for a while and then told the devil this room would be all right.

The devil gestured for him to sit down and the man took a seat. He did, sipped his coffee and felt really pleased with his choice. After a few minutes, a voice came over the loudspeaker and said, "Break time is over! Time for another 10,000 push-ups!"

[alexyabetz]

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad

[alexyabetz]

A man bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.

Come morning, the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, but I've got some bad news. The donkey died."

"Well then, just give me my money back."

"Can't do that. I spent it already," replied the farmer.

"OK then, just unload the donkey."

"What're you gonna do with him?" asked the farmer.

"I'm gonna raffle him off."

"Ya can't raffle off a dead donkey!" exclaimed the farmer.

"Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anyone he's dead."

A month later the farmer met up with the guy and asked about what happened with the dead donkey. "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at $2 apiece and made a profit of $898."

"Didn't no one complain?" asked the farmer.

"Just the guy who won. So I gave him his $2 back."

[alexyabetz]

"I'M GOING FISHING"
Means: "I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."

"IT'S A GUY THING"
Means: "There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical".

"CAN I HELP WITH DINNER?"
Means: "Why isn't it already on the table?"

"UH HUH," "SURE, HONEY," OR "YES, DEAR..."
Means: Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"IT WOULD TAKE TOO LONG TO EXPLAIN"
Means: "I have no idea how it works."

"I WAS LISTENING TO YOU. IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE THINGS ON MY MIND."
Means: "I was wondering if that redhead over there is wearing a bra."

"TAKE A BREAK HONEY, YOU'RE WORKING TOO HARD".
Means: "I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"THAT'S INTERESTING, DEAR."
Means: "Are you still talking?"

"YOU KNOW HOW BAD MY MEMORY IS."
Means: "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed, and the vehicle identification numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT YOU, AND GOT YOU THESE ROSES".
Means: "The girl selling them on the corner had great tits."

"OH, DON'T FUSS, I JUST CUT MYSELF, IT'S NO BIG DEAL."
Means: "I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit that I'm hurt."

"HEY, I'VE GOT MY REASONS FOR WHAT I'M DOING".
Means: "And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."

"I CAN'T FIND IT."
Means: "It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."

"WHAT DID I DO THIS TIME?"
Means: "What did you catch me at?"

"I HEARD YOU."
Means: "I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said, and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough so that you don't spend the next three days yelling at me."

"YOU KNOW I COULD NEVER LOVE ANYONE ELSE"
Means: "I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."

"YOU LOOK TERRIFIC"
Means: "Please don't try on one more outfit, I'm starving."

"I'M NOT LOST. I KNOW EXACTLY WHERE WE ARE."
Means: "No one will ever see us alive again."

"WE SHARE THE HOUSEWORK"
Means: "I make the messes, she cleans them up."

[alexyabetz]

Bill and Ned walk into a fast food joint one afternoon to get lunch. Bill orders and the cashier gives him his meal. Ned goes up to order and the cashier greets him with "Hello Ned! How are you? Hey everybody! Ned's here!" Everybody in the restaurant comes up and says hello to Ned. After everyone has greeted him, Bill and Ned sit down and begin to eat.

"Ned, you're pretty popular!" says Bill. "I'm the most popular man in the world," says Ned.

"Now Ned," says Bill, your pretty popular but you're not the most popular man in the world."

"Oh yeah," Ned replies "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I'm friends with anybody you can name!"

"That so?" answers Bill, "How about the President of the United States?"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Washington and knock on the front door of the White House. The president answers, "Ned! How are you doing? I haven't seen you in ages!" The three go play a round of golf and then leave.

"That was luck!" says Bill, "Two thousand says your not friends with the Queen of England!"

"Let's go!" says Ned.

The two fly to Buckingham Palace and, sure enough, are greeted by the Queen. ''Hello Ned my boy! What have you been up to these days?" They enter the palace and have some tea and leave.

Frustrated, Bill says, "Double or nothing, you don't know the Pope!"

"Benny!" says Ned, "Let's go!"

When they get to the Vatican, Ned instructs Bill to wait outside and Ned will come out on the balcony with his arm around the Pope. After a while, a crowd gathers to hear the Pope speak. And as told by Ned, when the Pope came out, Ned's arm was wrapped around him. Ned looks down from the balcony and see's Bill passed out on the ground. He rushes down and wakes him up.

"Bill! Bill! Wake up!" Bill opens his eyes and says,

"Ned. You're the most popular man in the world."

"I told you that, Bill," says Ned, "but you didn't faint when I knew the President! You didn't faint when I knew the Queen!"

"Well I was shocked that you knew the Pope," says Bill. "But I just couldn't take it when the guy next to me tapped me on the shoulder and said "Who's that up there with Ned?"

[alexyabetz]

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he�s allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words.

"Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throats and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away.

Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words.

"I quit," he says.

"Thats not surprising," the elders say. "Youve done nothing but complain since you got here."

[alexyabetz]

SMARTASS ANSWER #6
It was mealtime during a flight on Hooters Airline.
"Would you like dinner?" the flight attendant asked John, seated in front.
"What are my choices?" John asked.
"Yes or no," she replied.

SMARTASS ANSWER #5
A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check
tickets.
As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket and he opened his
trench coat and flashed her.
Without missing a beat, she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your
stub."

SMARTASS ANSWER #4
A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store but she
couldn't find one big enough for her family.
She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

SMARTASS ANSWER #3
The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for
speeding rolled down his window.
"I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said.
The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."
When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a
ticket.

SMARTASS ANSWER #2
A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "
Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he
gets stuck under the bridge.
Cars are backed up for miles.
Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks to the
truck driver, puts his hands
on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was
delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

SMARTASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2006
A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I
won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or a
death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asked, "What would
you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?"
The entire class is reduced to laughter and snickering. When silence is
restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and
sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand

[alexyabetz]

A pompous minister was seated next to a hillbilly on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The hillbilly asked for a whiskey and coke, which was brought and placed before him. The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The hillbilly then handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shit, me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

[alexyabetz]

A 45 year old woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience.

In this state she saw God............ and she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No, you have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She even had someone come in and change her hair color and brighten her teeth!

Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well make the most of it. After her last operation, she was released from the hospital.

While crossing the street on her way home, she was killed instantly by an ambulance.

Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had anoth er 43 years, 2 months and 8 days?

Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the ambulance?"

God replied: "I didn't recognize you."

[alexyabetz]

A woman was unhappy with the way her laundry was done at the local Chinese Laundry, so she wrote a note and put it in the bag with the next collection of soiled clothes :

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

She got the clean laundry back, and was still dissatisfied with the results, so the following week she enclosed another note:

"USE MORE SOAP ON PANTIES!"

The Chinese laundryman became very annoyed, and when her clean laundry was delivered, it contained a note from him:

"I USE PLENTY SOAP ON PANTIES!!!
USE MORE PAPER ON ASS!!"

[alexyabetz]

Students were assigned to read two books, "Titanic" and "My Life",
by Bill Clinton.

One smart-ass student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories. His professor had a sense of humor and gave the student an A+ for his report:

Titanic: $29.99
Clinton: $29.99

Titanic: Over three hours to read
Clinton: Over three hours to read

Titanic: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
Clinton: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and subsequent catastrophe.

Titanic: Jack is a starving artist.
Clinto n: Bill is a bullshit artist.

Titanic: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar.
Clinton: Ditto for Bill.

Titanic: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined.
Clinton: Ditto for Monica.

Titanic: Jack teaches Rose to spit.
Clinton: Let's not go there.

Titanic: Rose gets to keep her jewelry.
Clinton: Monica is forced to return her gifts.

Titanic: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life.
Clinton: Clinton doesn't remember jack.

Titanic: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen.
Clinton: Monica... ooh, let's not go there either.

Titanic: Jack surrenders to an icy death.
Clinton: Bill goes home to Hillary... basically the same thing.

[fldodger]

alexyabetz you have good stuff here.

[araeff]

Funny stuff!!!

[alexyabetz]

A large company recently hired several cannibals as it was expanding quickly and couldn't find enough qualified staff.

"You are all part of our team now", said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the canteen on the Ground Floor for something to eat, but please don't eat any of our other employees".

The cannibals promised they would not. Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard and I'm satisfied with your work. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.. Do any of you know what happened to her?"

The cannibals all shook their heads "No".

After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?"

A hand rose hesitantly.

"You fool!" the leader continued. "For four weeks we've been eating managers and no one noticed anything. But , NOOOooo, you had to go and eat someone who actually does something!"

[alexyabetz]

Once there was a blonde who really needed some money. She saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was so boring. The blonde begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration, the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there the blonde was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo.

The manager said,''I told you to give each Elmo two test tickles, not two testicles!!''

[alexyabetz]

Yuh know yuh from North Trinidad when:
yuh not exactly sure where San Fernando is...
anything after Nestle is country .........
yuh hobbies is surfing and spear fishing...
yuh cyar handle pepper...
yuh buy yuh driver's licence...
yuh never get blank from a club...
yuh father does go Coconuts...
yuh doh have ah sexual preference...
yuh does talk wid a foreign accent
Yuh know yuh from de East West corridor when:
yuh push drugs at least once...
yuh does get yuh car parts from de Bamboo...
yuh know Sharlene Boodram personally...
yuh know all de Punch girls personally...
yuh father own a maxi...
yuh playing all fours since yuh four years old...
Yuh know yuh from Central when:
yuh have a hammock in every room in yuh house...
yuh biggest dream is to join a rock band...
yuh nearest neighbour livin three miles away...
yuh have ah autographed Chris Garcia poster...
yuh try drinking rubbin alcohol already...
yuh tink Play Whe is de best ting dat ever hit Trinidad ...
yuh feel Couva should be made a city...
yuh know someone personally who drink Gramoxone
Yuh know yuh from South when:
yuh get blank at least once from a club...
yuh still waitin fuh cable...
yuh "pull bull" on ah Friday night already...
yuh have chickens and goats as pets...
yuh always lookin to fight in ah fete...
yuh does still wear rubber slippers...
yuh believe Gulf City is de most happenin place...
yuh swim to school at least once already after a flood...
yuh father woking in de oil field
Yuh know yuh from Tobago when:
yuh forehead have dat "natural shine"
yuh have ah aunt name Jean
yuh does walk wit soap and shampoo to de beach...
yuh first choice was Signal Hill...
yuh sister is six foot tall...
yuh favourite food is KFC...
yuh favourite airline is Air Caribbean ...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------<
Answers to "Why did the chicken cross the road?"
PATRICK MANNING:
It is a policy of my Government to allow chickens who have been historically alienated from the other side of the road to now have access to that side. I am presently in discussion with community leaders in the area to ensure that the chicken is able to cross safely. So the question just does not arise. In fact, ladies and gentlemen, if you observe carefully you can actually see pep in its step.

HOWARD CHIN LEE:
It is a result of a holistic plan to allow chickens from everywhere to cross the road safely without fear of being kidnapped. I have instructed the police and army to ensure a safe crossing. We need to make the roads safe to cross again. If we were not so vigilant, the chicken may not have come this far.

BASDEO PANDAY:
Brothers and sisters, for so long the chicken has toiled in the vineyards of the other side of the road. It is the result of years of struggle against discrimination that the chicken can now cross the road.

KELVIN RAMNATH:
If the chicken is crossing in central Trinidad , its safety cannot be guaranteed.
GLADIATOR {102 FM Morning host}:
It is a response to Basdeo Panday's call for civil disobedience. Shame on you chicken!!!!!

KEITH ROWLEY:
The chicken is free to go anywhere. The other side of the road belongs to you!!!

COLM IMBERT:
The chicken cannot cross the road. It is dead!

KEN VALLEY:
It could run, but it can't hide!!!

PETER MINSHALL:
Oh dear sweet God!!! Do not question which side the chicken is on...just appreciate its beauty.... for what it is!!!

RAMESH MAHARAJ:
We would have to file for an injunction to prevent more chickens from crossing.... otherwise there is the option of judicial review.

BARRY SINANAN {House Speaker}:
It is not a matter of urgent public importance.

A.N.R ROBINSON:
The chicken is clearly acting within the confines of the rule of law and the Constitution. I have no doubt that the decision to cross the road is based on moral and spiritual values.

ADESH NANAN:
The chicken is showing that there is now a shift in the paradigm.

HAZEL MANNING:
To join other chickens having their breakfases.

EDDIE HART:
To voter pad!!!!

KEVIN BALDEOSINGH:
This whole question is devoid of any factual substance, yet the ignorant masses continue to ponder on this abstract concept from age to age. If we are to analyse this issue logically, and according to scientific thought, chickens cannot distinguish one side of the road from the other and hence, cannot determine on which side it is on in the first place. In his Theory of Relativity, the reknowned German physicist, Albert Einstein theorises that the chicken is already on the other side, depending on your (the observer) position. Hence the debate will automatically follow that the chicken is constantly crossing the road. This is clearly an argument to foster the illusive and baseless concepts of omnipotence and omnipresence. The logical conclusion is therefore: there is no chicken.

JOHN RAHAEL:
The chicken has recognised the need for a restructured road and this action is clearly an indication by the chicken to voluntarily separate itself from one side to the other.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
THIS IS THE COMPLETE "TRINI ALPHABET" ENJOY!!
"A"
Ah -Substitute for "I"
Allyuh -All of you people. A group
Ax (Ask). -To ask a question
Aye-yah-yie -An _expression of anticipation or pain, etc.
"B"
Bacchanal -Scandal, heavy quarreling, big party, confusion
Back chat -Insolent response, especially from a child to an adult
Bad eye(cut-eye) -A look of anger, especially when looking from the
corner of the eye
Ba-John -A bully or a really tough customer
Bamsee -The rear end, what you sit on
Bam-se Lambe -Rather attractive bamsee
Bol'face -A pushy person, unreasonably demanding
Broughtupsy -Showing that a person was properly brought up, decorum
Buh wait nah -But wait a minute, now hold on/it
"C"
Callaloo -A thick soup made from dasheen leaves, ochroes, coconut
milk, seasoned to taste, invariably includes crab
Calypso -A musical and lyrical comment on any subject, usually
composed for, but not limited to, the Carnival season
Calypsonian - One who sings calypsoes
Cheups(Steups) -A noise made by sucking your teeth
Chinkee -Very tiny portions of anything
Chupid -Stupid
Chupidee -A foolish person
Coki-eye -Cross-eyed
Commesse -Confusion associoated with arguments, gossip and slander
Cuff -Hitting someone or something with a clenched fist
Cyah -Can't
"D"
Da is you? -Is that you?
Dan-dan -Any sharp looking outfit
Dat good for yuh -Serves you right
Dat -That
Doh -Don't
Dotish -Silly, stupid, foolish and dumb
Dougla -Mixture of East Indians and African parentage
Drevait(dree-vay) -Wayward person who likes to "knock about"
"E"
Eh -What did you say?
Eh-eh -No, no way, oh no
Eh-heh -Oh really? I understand. Yes
En'less -Plenty, endless
Ent? -Is that not so? That's true, isn't it?
"F"
Fall out -To stop speaking with someone or to terminate a friendship
Faddah -Father
Fed up -The state of being bored
Fete -A party, loud music, lots to eat and drink, dancing to wee
hours of the morning
Flim -Film
Founkie(foong-key) -Foul-smelling, stink odour
Fuh true/troot? -Yes that is true. Is that really so?
"G"
Goin'orf -Someone who appears to be going out of their mind, acting
strangely
Gun talk -Fighting words, to threaten verbally
Gyul - Girl
"H"
Harden -Disobedient
Hototo(hotoetoe) -A very large amount of anything
"I"
I eh payin' tax fuh mih mout' -I could say anything I want
In ting -To be involved in current activity
Is so? -Is that so?
"J"
Jeez-an-ages -Used for any reason where an outburst is appropriate
Jook -To stab at anything
Jumbie -Spirit, ghost
Jus'now -In a little while
Jus'so? -Just like that?
Jus'so -Out of the blue, totally unexpected
"K"
Ketch -Catch
Klim -Any brand of powdered milk
"L"
Lef dat -Leave that
Leh -Let, let's
Leh go -Let go
Leh we -Let us
Lick dong -To accidentally hit someone or something
Licks -A beating, physical punishment
Like t'ing -To be somewhat mischievous
Lil'bit -In small meaningless portions
Lime -When a small group of people engage in a sometimes
pre-arranged activity
Long eye -A person who is envious of the possessions of others
Look nuh! -An _expression of annoyance
"M"
Maco -A person who minds other people's business for the purpose of
gossip.
Macocious -A person having the trait of a maco
Maga -Very thin, skinny
Mamaguy -To make fun of, to ridicule
Mama Yo! -_Expression denoting shock and surprise
Matter Fix -Everything is well organized
Mih han' slip -An _expression used when too much of an ingredient is
used
Mooma -Mother
Mout'er -A boaster
Much up -To pamper, to butter up
"N"
Nah -No
Nastiness -An _expression of disgust applied to a good-for-nothing
person
Never see come see -Someone who has recently been exposed to
something new and who overdoes it to ridiculous proportions
Ning ning -Tired eyes
Now fuh now -Instantly
Nowherian -A person who does not have any fixed place of abode
"O"
Obzokee -Awkward in appearance, anything bent or twisted out of
shape
Oh geed! -An _expression used when an offensive smell arises
OH gosh!-
Oh gorm man!-
Oh shimps man!- These are all expressions denoting shock, surprise
indignation and admiration
Ol' talk -Idle chatter, social chit-chat
One set ah -A lot of anything
Own-way -Stubborn person
"P"
Pallet -Frozen lolly
Papa yo! -Exclamation of surprise
Pesh -Money
Pissin' tail -A person of no class or importance
Planasse -To hit someone continuously with the flat part of a
cutlass
Playin' social -Someone who pretends to be of a higher social strata
than they are
Pong -Pound
Po-po -Very small child, baby
Prim-prim -Disgustingly proper and formal
"Q"
Quenk -An irritating person
Qualey -Withered, dried up
"R"
Raff -To grab suddenly
Ragadang -Broken down
Ram-cram -Packed to capacity
Rumfle -Ruffled or wrinkled
"S"
Saga boy/girl -Flashy dresser, dandy
Shades -Sunglasses
Shif' yuh carcass -Move over, get going
Shub -Shove, move or cast aside
Skinnin' yuh teet' -Grinning
Skin up yuh nose -To turn up one's nose at anything
Sometimeish -Moody
Strims -Shrimps
Sweetie -Any confectionary
Swell up yuh face -To look angry, to pout
"T"
Tabanca -The forlorn feeling one gets when a love affair is over
Tanty -Aunt
Tight -Intoxicated, drunk, stoned
T'ing -Thing
To besides -Besides which
Too-tool-bay -A confused state,in a daze, also head over heels in
love
Tot tots -Female breasts
"U"
Umpteen -Plenty of anything
"V"
Vampin' -An offensive smell
Vaps -To suddenly behave excitedly or in a strange manner
"W"
Wajang -A roudy, uncouth person
Warap -A very weak mixture
Well yes! -An _expression of disbelief
Whappen? -What's the matter with you?
Wha-happenin' dey? -What's happening
Whey -Where
Whey yuh say? -What did you say?
"Y"
Yampee -Mucus, found in the corner of the eye
You an' all? -You too?
You so -People like you
Yuh faddah head -An _expression of annoyance
Yuh faddah is a glassmaker? -You are blocking my view.
Yuh look fuh dat -It's your own fault
Yuh makin' joke! -You can't be serious!
"Z"
Zug-up -A rough and uneven cutting of anything
If more than 3 of these words are unfamiliar to you, YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY NOT A TRUE TRINI!!!!!!

[alexyabetz]

Suzy Lee fell in love.
She planned to marry Joe.
She was so happy about it all, she told her pappy so.

Pappy told her, Suzie Gal; you'll have to find another.
I'd just as soon your maw don't know, but Joe is your half-brother.

So Suzie forgot about her Joe and planned to marry Will.
But after telling pappy this, he said There's trouble still.

You can't marry Will, my gal and please don't tell your mother,
cause Will and Joe and several mo I know is your half-brother.

But mama knew and said Honey chile, do what makes you happy.

Marry Will or marry Joe,

You ain't no kin to pappy

[alexyabetz]

"An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began to search for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a Redneck who had three stunning, gorgeous daughters that positively took his breath away. So he explained his mission to the Redneck and asked for permission to marry one of them.

The Redneck simply replied, "They're lookin' to get married, so you came to the right place. Look 'em over and pick the one you want."

The man dated the first daughter. The next day the Redneck asked for the man's opinion.

"Well," said the man, "she's just a weeeeee bit, not that you can hardly notice...pigeon-toed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested the man date one of the other girls; so the man went out with the second daughter.

The next day, the Redneck again asked how things went.

"Well,"the man replied, "she's just a weeeee bit, not that you can hardly tell...cross-eyed."

The Redneck nodded and suggested he date the third girl to see if things might be better. So he did.

The next morning the man rushed in exclaiming,

"She's perfect, just perfect. She's the one I want to marry."

So they were wed right away. Months later the baby was born. When the man visited the nursery he was horrified: the baby was the ugliest, most pathetic human you can imagine. He rushed to his father-in-law and asked how such a thing could happen considering the beauty of the parents.

"Well," explained the Redneck.. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."

[swampsucka247]

Little Billy came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigor Mortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Billy said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why are his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Billy. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Billy rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[araeff]

A man waited impatiently in a doctor's office for the results of his blood tests and a few other procedures he's had done earlier in the week. He had been feeling pretty bad and he was a little nervous. Finally the Doctor came in and said, "Well Mr. Jones, do you want the good news or the bad news?"

Mr. Jones said, "Oh please, I need to hear the good news!"

The Doctor says, "Well, it looks like you're gonna have a disease named after you!!"

[swampsucka247]

"Well, it looks like you're gonna have a disease named after you!!"
Rotf

here's one

Wrong way
A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, "You can?t take it with you."
After much thought and consideration, the old ambulance-chaser finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillow cases. He then directed her to take the bags of money to the attic and leave them directly above his bed. His plan: When he passed away, he would reach out and grab the bags on his way to heaven.

Several weeks after the funeral, the deceased lawyer?s wife, up in the attic cleaning, came upon the two forgotten pillow cases stuffed with cash.

"Oh, that darned old fool," she exclaimed. "I knew he should have had me put the money in the basement."

[fldodger]

:lol:

[swampsucka247]

...."Well," explained the Redneck.. "She was just a weeeee bit, not that you could hardly tell...
pregnant when you met her."nice1 alexyabetz

[araeff]

Mensa In Fresno
Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140 or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa convention in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local cafe. While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker contained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt. How could they swap the contents of the bottles without spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the Blond waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker contains pepper..."

"Oh," the blond waitress interrupted.

"Sorry about that."

She unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them!

[araeff]

Doctor in Newfoundland
A doctor in Newfoundland wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

"Garge, I am going hunting tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".

"Yes, sir!" answers Garge.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: "So,Garge, how was your day?"

Garge told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache so I gave him TYLENOL."

"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says Garge.

"Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters. Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"

"Tunderin' lard Jesus Garge, what did you do?" asks the doctor.

"I put drops in her eyes."

[Wildcard26]

Good one :D !

[fldodger]

You guys got some some goods. Made my afternoon break

[swampsucka247]

Really liked the Mensa one

[Wildcard26]

Hope this one isn't here as yet but I got it today and I liked it.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a safari in Africa, taking her
faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch. The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"'


Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!"

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

"Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!"

Moral of this story...

Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! B.S. and brilliance only come with age and experience!

[swampsucka247]

rofl! thanks Wildcard

[fldodger]

Not here and it is a good one

[Wildcard26]

A little local one:

Subject: one wish genie

A Trini woman was walking along the banks of Maracas Bay Beach when she
stumbled upon a old empty bottle.She picked it up and rubbed it, and
lo-and-behold a Genie appeared.She talked with him a while then the
Genie told her he would grant her ONE wish.She said she heard from a
cousin that she would get three wishes if she ever found a Genie.The
Genie said, "Nope, sorry three-wish genies are a story-tale myth.I'm a
ONE-WISH Genie. So... what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate.She said, "I want peace in the Middle East.
See this map, I want these countries to stop fighting with each other and
I want all the Arabs to love Jews and Americans and vice-versa. It will bring
about world peace and harmony."



The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Lord Lady, Wat wrong wit you girl?

PLEASE BE REASONABLE!
These countries have been at war for thousands of years.I'm out of
shape after being in a bottle for five hundred years.I'm good, but NOT
THAT GOOD!!! I don't think it can be done.PLEASE make another wish and
please ah beg yuh... Be reasonable."

The woman thought for a minute and said,

"Well, I've never been able to find the right Trini man...You
know, one that DOESN'T DRINK ALCOHOL, is considerate and fun, likes to
dance and helps with the cooking & household chores, is great in bed,
is FAITHFUL to me and will attend church with me.That's what I wish
for... a good Trinidadian man."



The Genie let out a long sigh, shook his head and said,
"Let meh see that blasted map again."

[swampsucka247]

good one Wildcard

[fldodger]

:lol:

[Wildcard26]

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually. He finally goes to his doctor, who tries a few things but nothing seems to work.

So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this." That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned -- it will not work again for another year!"

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess. That night he is ready to surprise Joyce. He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life ...just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

And that, my friends, is why you should never end a sentence with a preposition. :lol:

[araeff]

Worlds most embarrasing moments
There was a World wide survey of "Most Embarrassing Moment in human life"

the finale had the following three incidents....

Third Place

"It was the day before my eighteenth birthday. I was living at home, but my parents had gone out for the evening, so I invited my girlfriend over for a romantic night alone. As we lay in bed after making love, we heard the telephone ringing downstairs. I suggested to my girlfriend that I give her a piggy-back ride to the phone. Since we didn't want to miss the call, we didn't have time to get dressed. When we got to the bottom of the stairs, the lights suddenly came on and a whole crowd of people yelled "SURPRISE!".


My entire family, aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins and all of my friends were standing there ! My girlfriend and I were frozen to the spot in a state of shock and embarrassment for what seemed like an eternity.

Since then, no-one in my family has planned a surprise party again

Second Place

"While in line at the bank one afternoon, my kid decided to release some pent-up energy and started to run amuck. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she didn't start behaving herself right now, she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee(dick) last night!".

The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing! I mustered the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing that I heard as the door closed behind me were the screams of laughter.

And the Winner is...

This one actually happened at Harvard University in October last year.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (freshman), raised her hand and asked, "If I understand what you are saying, there is a lot of glucose in male semen, as in sugar?" "That's correct." responded the professor, going on to add much statistical data. Raising her hand again, the sweet young thing asked, "Then why doesn't it taste sweet?".

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl turned bright red and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said(or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of the class, and never returned.

However , as she was going out of the door, the professor's reply was a classic. Totally straight- faced, he answered her question, "It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not in the back of your throat!

******

[fldodger]

:D

[snoopy.nave]

Why does an Italian not like Jehovah's witnesses?

They don't like any witnesses...

[swampsucka247]

lol ... taste buds - good one!

[Konig]

crappiest one iv received by sms today:

Tiger kills goat
Hippopotamus sees it
Tiger asks hippo not to tell anyone
Hippo refuses
Tiger asks why
Hippo replies "Cos HIPS DONT LIE"

:bang: :bang: :bang:

[Jack]

Holy Crap!!!!!! LOL

[araeff]

:lol: :lol: that is really good one Konig!

[Jack]

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

********************


Mary had a little lamb.
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
********************




Jack and Jill went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
********************


Simple Simon met a pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the pie man,
'What have you got there?'
Said the pie man unto Simon,
'Pies, you dumb ass'
********************


Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
********************


Hey diddle, diddle, the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
********************


Georgie Porgy pudding and pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
********************


There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

[araeff]

Lol those are great Jack, was laughing my heart out...

[97tealj]

A farmer is sitting at the house when a D.O.T. man walks up. Farmer says how can i help you, the states putting an interstate through here, says the man. He then says he need to see the property, farmer says sure just don't go into that corn field. The man shows the farmer his D.O.T. card and says this card states i can go anywhere i please. The man goes to the corn field comes out a few minutes later running for his life as he runs by he asks the farmer what he should do, the farmer says i don't know why don't you show him dang card i guess.

[Jack]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in
the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.

While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would
give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave She agreed.

Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9."

Principal: " What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36."

And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.

The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."

Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions."

The principal and Harry both agreed.

Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry, after a moment: "Legs."

Ms. Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"

The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!

Harry replied: "Pockets."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps in to?"

Harry: "Pants."

Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?"

Harry: "Coconut."

The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.

Ms. Brooks: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, "Bubble gum."

Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands."

The principal was trembling.

Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in ' K ' that means a lot of heat and excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong..

[Konig]

L-M-F-A-O

[Jack]

Grandma's birth control pills

The doctor that had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a pre.scription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."

"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"

She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16-year-old-granddaughter drinks........And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

[Wildcard26]

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.' Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?'


'No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it.'

So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts, 'Dave! What's happening? Great to see you! Come on in for a beer! Although impressed, Dave's boss is still sceptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky.

'No, no, just name anyone else,' Dave says.

'President Bush,' his boss quickly retorts.

'Yup,' Dave says, 'Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington.' And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Dave, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up.'


Well, the boss is much shaken by now but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to name anyone else.

The Pope,' his boss replies.

'Sure!' says Dave. 'I've known the Pope for years.' So off they fly to Rome.

Dave.

Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses at the Vatican when Dave says, 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope'. He disappears into the crowd headed towards the Vatican.


Sure enough, half an hour later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony, but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Making his way to his boss' side, Dave asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'It was the final straw - you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said 'Who the f***'s that on the balcony with Dave?'

[Wildcard26]

What a test.

WMy wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.
There was only one little thing bothering me... It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight mini skirts, and generally was bra-less.
One day "little" sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations.
She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome.
She told me that she wanted to make love to me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.
Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word.
She said, "I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me."
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs.
When she reached the top she pulled off her panties and threw them down the stairs at me.
I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a dash straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my future father-in-law hugged me and said,
"We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family."
And the moral of this story is:
....."Always keep your condoms in your car" .....

[araeff]

:lol: great joke! :up:

[Wildcard26]

You got to read this one, it's hilarious!

CHAT ROOM CONVERSATION ? CYBER SEX!!

Please read ~ this is a ripper!!!

This is a tran.script of an actual cyber sex session. As all of you are well aware, online computers are often used to engage in cyber-sex. Detailed and erotic fantasies are typed into the computer to be instantly transmitted over the Internet. Sometimes these harmless fantasies become fairly raunchy. This is not the case with the following tran.script of an actual on-line cyber -sex session. Either this guy is clueless or has the greatest sense of humor known to mankind.
__________________________________________________ ______________________________

Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?

Sweetheart: I am wearing an expensive red silk blouse, a black leather mini skirt and high-heeled boots. I am tanned and very buffed. I work out everyday. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?

Wellhung: I'm 6'3 and about 250 lb. I wear glasses and have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Wal-Mart. I'm also wearing an old T-shirt, it's got some barbecue sauce stains on it and it smells kind of funny.

Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?

Wellhung: OK.

Sweetheart: We're in my bedroom. There's soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my nightstand. I look up into your eyes and I'm smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and I begin to feel your huge swelling bulge.

Wellhung: I'm gulping. I'm beginning to sweat.

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.

Wellhung: Now, I'm unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.

Sweetheart: I'm moaning softly.

Wellhung: I'm taking hold of your blouse and I'm sliding it softly off.

Sweetheart: I'm throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off of my warm body. I'm rubbing your bulge faster now, rubbing and pulling.

Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and tears a hole in your blouse. I'm sorry.

Sweetheart: That's, OK. It wasn't really too expensive.

Wellhung: I'll pay for it.

Sweetheart: Don't worry about it! I'm wearing a lacy black bra, my soft breasts are rising and falling as I breathe harder and harder.

Wellhung: I'm fumbling with the clasp of your bra, I think it's stuck. Do you have scissors?

Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly, I reach behind my back and undo the clasp. My bra slides off. The cool air caresses my breasts, my nipples are erect for you.

Wellhung: How did you do that? I'm picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.

Sweetheart: I'm arching my back. Oh baby, I just want to feel your tongue all over me.

Wellhung: I'm dropping the bra. Now I'm licking your, you know, breasts. They're neat!

Sweetheart: I'm running my fingers through your hair. Now I'm nibbling your ear.

Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm so sorry. Really.

Sweetheart: I'm wiping your phlegm off of my breasts with the remains of my blouse.

Wellhung: I'm taking your sopping wet blouse from you and throwing it in the corner of the room.

Sweetheart: OK. I'm pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.

Wellhung: I'm screaming like a woman! Your hands are cold! Yeee!

Sweetheart: I'm pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.

Wellhung: I'm pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out and nibbling on you. Ummm, wait a second.

Sweetheart: What's the matter?

Wellhung: I've got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I'm choking.

Sweetheart: Are you OK?

Wellhung: I'm having a coughing fit. I'm turning all red.

Sweetheart: Is there anything I can do to help?

Wellhung: I'm running to the kitchen. Choking wildly. Looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups??

Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink!

Wellhung: I'm drinking a cup of water. There that's better.

Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.

Wellhung: I'm washing the cup now.

Sweetheart: I'm aching for you lover.

Wellhung: Now I'm drying the cup. I'm putting it back in the cabinet. And now I'm walking back to the bedroom. Wait it's dark; I'm lost. Where is the bedroom?

Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.

Wellhung: I found it.

Sweetheart: I'm tugging off your pants. I want you so badly.

Wellhung: Me too.

Sweetheart: I kiss you passionately. Our naked bodies pressed against each other.

Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.

Sweetheart: Why don't you take your glasses off?

Wellhung: OK. But I can't see very well. I'm placing my glasses on the nightstand.

Sweetheart: I'm bending over the bed. Give it to me baby!

Wellhung: I have to pee. I'm fumbling my way blindly to the bathroom.

Sweetheart: Hurry back lover.

Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it's dark. I'm feeling around for the toilet and lift the lid.

Sweetheart: I'm waiting eagerly for your return.

Wellhung: I'm done going. I'm feeling around for the flush handle. Uh-oh!

Sweetheart: What's the matter now?

Wellhung: I just realized I peed in your hamper. Sorry again. I'm walking back to the bed now. Blindly feeling my way.

Sweetheart: Mmmm, yes. Come on.

Wellhung: Now I'm going to put my, you know, thing in your umm, woman's thing.

Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, Baby! Do it!

Wellhung: I'm touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. Ma'am, I'm having a little problem here.

Sweetheart: I'm moving my ass back and forth. I can't wait another second. Slide it in! Screw me!

Wellhung: I'm flaccid.

Sweetheart: WHAT?

Wellhung: I'm limp. I can't sustain an erection.

Sweetheart: I'm standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face.

Wellhung: I'm shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I'm looking for my glasses to see what the problem is.

Sweetheart: NO! Never mind. I'm getting dressed. I'm putting on my underwear and my wet nasty blouse.

Wellhung: No wait. I can't find the night table. I'm reaching across the dresser, knocking off cans of hairspray, your picture frames and your candles.

Sweetheart: I'm buttoning my blouse. I'm putting on my shoes.

Wellhung: Now I've found my glasses. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain! The curtain is on fire. I'm pointing at it with a shocked look on my face.

Sweetheart: Go to hell! I'm logging off, LOSER!

Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Nooooooo!

[StarkRaving]

^^ LMMFAO - had to stop twice to wipe the tears away.

[Konig]

OMG!!!!!!!!!!!
THAT IS ONE OF THE FUNNIEST THINGS I HAVE EVER READ!!!!!!!!!